August 20

Everything you wanted to know about the male member

The Penis Book

by Joseph Cohen

Könemann, $9.95 hardcover

Reviewed by Jeff Woodard

When it comes to the human penis, it's just not that big a deal.

In a competitive, ego-driven world where boasts of 8" members and 9" tools are too often the talk, the fact is, the average length of an erect penis is 5.1 inches.

How do we know? The Penis Book tells

us so.

Author Joseph Cohen (A Good Friend, You Know You're Gay When) has compiled a treasure trove of fascinating phallic facts filling 106 colorful pages. Included are 125 captivating photos and illustrations, as well as intriguing insight into subjects such as The Great Circumcision Debate ("Turtleneck or not? You decide"), piercing (it intensifies orgasms), condoms (rigorous testing required) and erections (smokers are twice as likely as non-smokers to become impotent).

A witty, irreverent blend of scientific data and historical background, The Penis Book debunks another myth: that the size of the male member is proportional to nose, feet and hand dimensions. It's more a product of genetics, notes Cohen.

By age 17, males have usually reached their manly max and have become, uh, active. Their vocabulary has begun to grow as well;

the book lists more than 80 ways to say "masturbate,”

including "five-knuckle Olympics," "paddle the pickle," "slappin'

pappy," "tussle your

muscle" and "whitewater wristing."

On average, males will ejaculate 30 to 50 quarts of semen containing 350-500 billion sperm cells between the ages of 15 and 60, the book notes. And if your left testicle is a bit larger than and hangs lower than your right, not to fear: That's the case with 85 percent of the male population.

Traditionally, the phallus represented the heart of Greek decorative arts (witness ancient vases and urns). In Japan, residents rise to the

occasion each March 15 to celebrate a fertility festival complete with a procession of men toting a 900-pound faux phallus carved from a tree trunk. Casanova, that ol' Italian lovemonger, must have known that oysters are the legendary aphrodisiac of the sea; he reportedly consumed 50 each morning in his bath.

And hard to swallow as it may sound, Montana's Original Testicle Festival annually serves more than 4,500 pounds of deep-fried bull's testicles, called "mountain oysters."

Over the past two decades, science has been indebted to the human penis. Hundreds of thousands of discarded foreskins have been sold to labs requiring young skin cells to study artificial-skin technology. The penis also seems to have found its calling in New York City, where the telephone directory lists 124 Wieners, 118 Dongs, 29 Dicks, 5 Cockburns, 4 Peckers and a Prickett.

From jockstraps and tattoos to Viagara and multiple orgasms, The Penis Book treats delicate subject matter in a tastefully entertaining manner. Set for a Sept. 13 release, the book runs $9.95 and is bound in (what else?) hardcover.

Jeff Woodard is a Chronicle contributing writer living in Cleveland.

In a competitive, ego-driven world where boasts of 8′′ members and of tools are too often the tally the fact is, the average length of an erect pents to bat hidhes.